by Sonya Yeh Spencer, ITANLP Certified NLP Trainer, Advanced NLP Coach
It is good for you, good for our children and the world
There have been quite a few couples and individuals through our doors of late, on a quest to mend, re-build or enhance their relationship with their loved ones. I often think how wonderful it is that these clients really want to cultivate their relationships and treasure their connections with one another. It is miraculous that two people, who might be from different backgrounds, from different parts of the world and circumstances, somehow find a way, amongst the sea of humanity, to meet at the right time, under the right situation, to be connected, enriched and blossom into a world of “us” to create a shared reality.
It is rare in the world that we live in today to find that kindred spirit, who we feel a sense of deep devotion to each other, and the determination to make the union work, what ever the type of union it represents. This determination is especially important when we have children or decide to take the responsibility for any children. A happy relationship creates a happy family and happy children. Truly happy children tend to grow up to be happy adults, and to create a happy world, so the positive aspect of creating a happy relationship has an enormous impact on our own well-being, our children’s well-being and the world should be better for it.
Creating the world of “Us” with Multiple Perceptual Positions
Client:“We are so desperately wanting to keep our relationship a live, but it is so hard!” Yes, for some at times it is not so easy to maintain and develop our relationships with our loved ones, and dealing with a multitude of dynamics and how each individual approaches this thing called a relationship. It can be especially complex in a blended family situation, where each spouse might have their own children who are involved in the relationship. The relationship might also come with other complications that are not so easy to resolve – distances, schedules, cultures and expectations. We often hear people advising each other to be more tolerant, patient or understanding, but what do they really mean and how can we develop these qualities?
When the two individuals step out of their own worlds of “I” to come together to create a world of “us”, the process of re-balancing and re-organising our lives is full of discoveries, surprises and challenges. While we might still be operating from the world of “I”, which is our own perspective and needs, we can train ourselves to see things from at least 2 or even 3 different perspectives. When we train ourselves to think from the perspective of our spouse and “us”, we starts to gain the mental flexibility and emotional consideration of our loved one and we might be able to create a balanced, considerate view of any issue or situation to work things out. This, from my perspective is to gain tolerance and understanding, an often in my experience, patience will follow.
Lets Step Into Each Other’s Shoes And Put The “Us” Hat On
Speaking from experience as a step mother and a wife who came from a different cultural background from my better half, I have found many tools in NLP that really have helped me. One of these tools is the utilisation of Multiple Perceptual Positions.
If you are not trained in NLP, a simple way to do Multiple Perceptual Positions is to pretend that you are a non-partial actor, stepping into your partner’s shoes and become them, fully and experience from their perspective. It does not need to be too long, only as long as it is useful to you, then step out of the partner’s role and resume the non-partial actor’s role. Ask yourself as the non-partial actor, what have you noticed? What might be the character’s (your partner’s) experience? What might he or she be considering, feeling or perceiving of the situation? Do the same thing by stepping into the “Us” and finally your own shoes.
If you find stepping into the “Us” shoes is difficult, then it is time to have a very good conversation with your partner. Ask yourself “How much do I really know what he or she is going through, and what do they want and dream of achieving?”
For NLP trained practitioners, Multiple Perceptual Positions should be a very familiar process for you. Please ensure that the additional position of “Us” is treated with the same level of care and cleanlinesses regarding its state, by going to 3rd position first before you step into another position.
Because I Love You, Not Because I Have to
The way I think about love and to create a world of ‘us’ is like two halves of the same circle coming together. His happiness is my happiness and my happiness is his happiness. If I am rude or horrible to him or her, then I am doing exactly the same thing to myself. If achieving his dreams and desire is going to bring him happiness, then I will do my very best to help him achieve that. The same applies to my dreams and desires.
Although we are part of the same circle, we are not the same and we both have our own identity. When you operate from your own identify and want to know the other’s dreams and desires rather than assuming what they want, you are demonstrating that you care. When you hold your partner dear in your heart and wanting to help them achieve their dreams and desires, you are demonstrating that they do matter. When the actions are reciprocated, you are both operating from the mindset of “Us”. This desire to help each other achieve each other’s dreams must come from a place of willingness. It is not forced, not as an exchange or a sense that it is a duty.
Think of the last time that someone helped you achieve what you desired, were you thankful? How would you feel when a loved one unconditionally, willingly and completely came onto your side to help you achieve what you want and rejoice in your happiness? How can you not feel the love and continue to be in love with each other?
How we are associating with each other in a relationship is the key. We will show you other NLP tools and concepts that will help keeping you in love soon.